Haunted Mansion (Disneyland) Illustrations by Jame Gilleard

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*Sung lyrics in bold.

(Narration begins when guests enter the Mansion foyer.)

GHOST HOST
When hinges creak in doorless chambers, and strange and frightening sounds echo through the halls. Whenever candlelights flicker where the air is deathly still — that is the time when ghosts are present, practicing their terror with ghoulish delight!

(Guests move into Stretching Room.)

Welcome, foolish mortals, to the Haunted Mansion. I am your host, your ghost host. Kindly step all the way in please, and make room for everyone. There’s no turning back now. Our tour begins here in this gallery, where you see paintings of some of our guests as they appeared in their corruptible, mortal state.

CAST MEMBER (Exact wording varies)
Please drag your bodies away from the walls and into the dead center of the room.

GHOST HOST
Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this haunted room actually stretching? Or is it your imagination — hmm? And consider this dismaying observation: this chamber has no windows and no doors… which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out! (Laughs.) Of course, there’s always my way.

(Thunder claps, lights go out, someone screams. A body hangs from a noose above the room. Doors begin to open and lights come back on.)

Oh, I didn’t mean to frighten you prematurely. The real chills come later. Now, as they say, “look alive,” and we’ll continue our little tour. And let’s all stay together, please.

(Guests move into the hallway.)

There are several prominent ghosts who have retired here from creepy old crypts all over the world. Actually, we have 999 happy haunts here — but there’s room for 1,000. Any volunteers? (Laughs.) If you insist on lagging behind, you may not need to volunteer.

And now, a carriage approaches to take you into the boundless realm of the supernatural. Take your loved ones by the hand, please, and kindly watch your step. Oh yes, and no flash pictures, please. We spirits are frightfully sensitive to bright lights.

(Guests board Doom Buggies.)

Do not pull down on the safety bar, please. I will lower it for you. And heed this warning: the spirits will materialize only if you remain safely seated with your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside. And watch your children, please.

(Spanish safety spiel)

(Doom Buggies move into Corridor of Doors.)

GHOST HOST
We find it delightfully unlivable here in this ghostly retreat. Every room has wall-to-wall creeps and hot and cold running chills. Shhh, listen!

MAN IN COFFIN
Let me out, let me out of here!

(Door knockers clang, clock ticks. Doom Buggies move into Madame Leota’s Room.)

MADAME LEOTA
Serpents and spiders, tail of a rat, call in the spirits, wherever they’re at!

(Sounds of ghosts.)

Rap on a table — it’s time to respond. Send us a message from somewhere beyond…

(Knock on a table.)

Goblins and ghoulies from last Halloween, awaken the spirits with your tambourine!

(Sound of a tambourine.)

Creepies and crawlies, toads in a pond, let there be music from regions beyond!

(A brass instrument plays the part of “Grim Grinning Ghosts.”)

Wizards and witches, wherever you dwell, give us a hint, by ringing a bell!

(A bell rings.)

(Doom Buggies pass into Ballroom.)

GHOST HOST
The happy haunts have received your sympathetic vibrations and are beginning to materialize. They’re assembling for a swinging wake, and they’ll be expecting me… I’ll see you all a little later.

(Organ plays theme music. Two portraits shoot at each other. Doom Buggies move into Attic.)

BRIDE
In sickness and in… wealth. You may now kiss the bride. We’ll live happily ever after. Till death do us part. Here comes the bride. As long as we both shall live. For better or for… worse. I do. I did.

(Doom Buggies move past Hatbox Ghost, out Attic window, and into Graveyard.)

VARIOUS GHOSTS
When the crypt doors creak and the tombstones quake,
Spooks come out for a swinging wake.
Happy haunts materialize and begin to vocalize.
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize!

Now, don’t close your eyes and don’t try to hide,
For a silly spook may sit by your side.
Shrouded in a daft disguise, they pretend to terrorize.
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize!

As the moon climbs high o’er the dead oak tree,
Spooks arrive for the midnight spree.
Creepy creeps with eerie eyes start to shriek and harmonize.
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize!

When you hear the knell of a requiem bell,
Weird glows gleam where spirits dwell.
Restless bones etherealize, rise as spooks of every size!

(Doom Buggies pass into Hitchhiking Ghosts Corridor.)

GHOST HOST
Ah, there you are! And just in time… there’s a little matter I forgot to mention — beware of hitchhiking ghosts!

(Doom Buggies pass mirrors showing Hitchhiking Ghosts.)

They have selected you to fill our quota, and they’ll haunt you until you return! Now I will raise the safety bar, and a ghost will follow you home! (Laughs.)

FEMALE SAFETY ANNOUNCER
Please exit to your left by stepping away from the cars with your left foot first. Step out and stand on the moving platform.

MALE SAFETY ANNOUNCER
Please exit by stepping away from the cars with your left foot first. Step out and stand on the moving platform, please.

(Guests exit Doom Buggies and stand on moving platform.)

GHOSTS VOICEOVER
If would like to join our jamboree,
There’s a simple rule that’s compulsory.
Mortals pay a token fee;
Rest in peace, the haunting’s free.
So hurry back, we would like your company.

LITTLE LEOTA
Hurry back! Hurry back! Be sure to bring your death certificate… if you decide to join us. Make final arrangements now! We’ve been dying to have you…

Illustrations ©2016 James Gilleard http://www.jamesgilleard.com


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